Ambrose Bierce

Revolution is an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.

— Ambrose Bierce

Saint. A dead sinner revised and edited.

— Ambrose Bierce

Erudition. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.

— Ambrose Bierce

Backbite. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.

— Ambrose Bierce

Success is the one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.

— Ambrose Bierce

Take not God's name in vain; select a time when it will have effect.

— Ambrose Bierce

Think twice before you speak to a friend in need.

— Ambrose Bierce

Appeal. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.

— Ambrose Bierce

Trial. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors.

— Ambrose Bierce

Truth -- An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance.

— Ambrose Bierce

They say that hens do cackle loudest when there is nothing vital in the eggs they have laid.

— Ambrose Bierce

Bride. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

— Ambrose Bierce

Wit. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.

— Ambrose Bierce

Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.

— Ambrose Bierce

APRIL FOOL, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.

— Ambrose Bierce

MONDAY, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.

— Ambrose Bierce

AFFIANCE, pp. Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain.

— Ambrose Bierce

BABE or BABY, n. A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or condition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion.

— Ambrose Bierce

CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakeable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering.

— Ambrose Bierce

ABSTAINER; n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. . . . BRANDY; n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder.

— Ambrose Bierce

ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. ACADEMY, n. (from academe). A modern school where football is taught.

— Ambrose Bierce

HOUSE, n. A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, mouse, beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus, and microbe.

— Ambrose Bierce

BAPTISM, n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is performed with water in two ways--by immersion, or plunging, and by aspersion, or sprinkling. But whether the plan of immersion Is better than simple aspersion Let those immersed And those aspersed Decide by the Authorized Version, And by matching their agues tertian. (G.J.)

— Ambrose Bierce

Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

— Ambrose Bierce

Friendless, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.

— Ambrose Bierce

Conservative, n. A statesman enamored of existing evils, as opposed to a Liberal, who wants to replace them with new ones.

— Ambrose Bierce

Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.

— Ambrose Bierce

Liberty, n. One of imagination’s most precious possessions.

— Ambrose Bierce

To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense.

— Ambrose Bierce